Dear Simpsons

Dear Simpsons,

Why did you have to go ruin your show by making a movie? If I watch the movie I'll never look at the show the same again. Oh well, you are still funnier than Family Guy.

Your Viewer,

Esperanza

Dear Subway Transportation

Dear Subway Transportation,

Why are your platforms and trains so stinky? Are you train cars this filthy in every city? When I step through the doors of your train for my ride home, the smell of urine and poo covered seats hit me. Your trains could stand a good washing.

Disgusted,

Esperanza

Dear General Pace

Dear General Pace,

I dont think it is a good idea to add more troops to Iraq. Wouldn't it be a good idea just to bring American troops home?

Concerned,

Esperanza

Dear North Carolina

Dear North Carolina,

I will be moving to your state in a few months. Hopefully you will have plenty of jobs, nice people, and warm weather. I went to visit you once and you did not disappoint me. Where are your ghettos located so I can know what places to avoid? See you soon.

Love,

Esperanza

Dear MTV

Dear MTV,

Could you please find some better shows to put on? You too VH1!



Thanks,
Esperanza

Dear Chipotle

Dear Chipotle,

Your burritos are the best. Your burrito bowls are also the best. What did I do before you came along? I suppose I am guilty of eating at Taco Hell. No more ecoli scares for me now that I can get your huge burritos with black beans and guacamole. I love you Chipotle.

Eating you Always,

Esperanza

Dear Overstock

Dear Overstock,

I loooooooove your two dollar shipping!



Love
Esperanza

Dear Bank Robber

Dear Bank Robber,

You should have known better than to dress up like a tree. The leaves and branches were still not enough to cover your entire face. I am happy they identified you and you were arrested. You are an idiot.


http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/07/08/tree.odd.ap/index.html
Sincerely
Esperanza

Dear Weekend

Dear Weekend,

What took you so long to get here?




Sincerely,
Esperanza

Dear Fruity Pebbles

Dear Fruity Pebbles,
You do not need of chocolate version. You are fine just the way you are. I love seeing those different colors floating around in my bowl when I eat you in the morning. Matter of fact, no cereal needs a chocolate version. Who in the heck eats chocolate in the morning anyway?


Love
Esperanza

Dear "The Rock"

Dear "The Rock",

I am currently watching your movie 'The Scorpion King' and i must say that I dont like it... at all. Can somebody please give you better roles. By the way, I like that thing you do with your eyebrow.

Sincerely

Esperanza

Dear Visitors To this Blog

Dear Visitors To this Blog,

I can see clearly that you visit here and read the letters I write. Why no comments?




Love you All,
Esperanza

Dear Girls with Skanky Summer Clothes,

Dear Girls with Skanky Summer Clothes,

Why must you wear your hoochie mama duds as soon as the weather warms? Remember the higher the heel the longer the short or skirt should be. The lower the heel and the flatter the shoe the higher you can yank your skirt up. High heels and short skirts equal prostitute. Also please dont expose your back fat.



Thanks,
Esperanza

Dear Alf

Dear Alf,

I use to watch that funny and memorable show of yours. You were the cutest alien to ever appear on TV. You were way cuter than ET. I think if you and ET were both rated on the 'Hot or Not' website you would beat him hands down. Alf you should make a comeback. If 'Golden Girls' are in syndication then why aren't you?

Your Fan,

Esperanza

Dear Crocs

Dear Crocs,

Is there possibly a shoe uglier than you? You have the power to make all feet nerdy, awkward, and tacky. I dont understand why anyone would buy you. How could someone treat their feet so badly by wearing you?

Sincerely,

Esperanza

Dear people who loiter on the sidewalk

Dear people who loiter on the sidewalk,

You hold everyone else up when you stand in the middle of the sidewalk like a deer in headlights. If you need to stop and think then move it to the side. People find it inconvenient that they have to walk all the way around you because you are standing in the middle of the sidewalk. If you were a car you would get rear ended. Just move it already.


Sincerely
Esperanza

Dear Oprah

Dear Oprah,

I love your show. You always do the nicest things for people. I have never seen an audience so excited to be part of a talk show. You know those cars you gave away a couple of years ago, may I have one? If you dont want to give me a car you can simply donate to my blog and call it charity. Oprah you are a billionaire and billionaires need tax breaks which is why my blog could be your break.

Yours Truly,

Esperanza

Dear Oceans 13

Dear Oceans 13,

You need to call it a day. I do not expect to see a 14, nor do I want to see a 14. Are you planning to rob every hotel in Vegas? George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Don Cheadle are the only reason I continue to see your movie. If you make a fourth film I will not be lured in to see it. You must remember the more people you bring into your plot to rob hotels, the more ways you must divide the money.

Thanks,

Esperanza

Dear IPhone

Dear IPhone,

You may do a zillion things but you will not lure me into purchasing you. I cant afford to spend 600 dollars every time a new gadget comes out. People buy you for a status symbol knowing you will be obsolete in only a few months. You are all the rage right now but like a celebrity you too shall go downhill.

Love

Esperanza

Dear WholeFoods

Why must your organic food be so expensive? I spend about a hundred dollars every time I enter your inviting doors. First you nail me with the fresh flowers that look so pretty. You then proceed to entice me with your huge collection of nine dollar bottles of wine. Is your food really that much better than the regular grocery store? Why must your apples look so shiny? I find it offensive that eating healthy is so expensive.

Thanks

Esperanza

Dear Saturday Morning

Why must you be so elusive? I can barely wake up to meet you. Instead I always wake up just in time for the afternoon. I feel like I have wasted my day when I miss out on you.




Sincerely
Esperanza

Dear McDonalds

Dear McDonald's,

There was a rumor that you were going to start serving breakfast all day long. Was this simply a lie to make me feel better about life? I like to sleep late and find it inconvenient to wake up before 11am to get your sausage biscuits with cheese. I demand a sausage biscuit at 10pm!!! You are doing your customers a great disservice by limiting the breakfast to breakfast time.


Yours Forever,
Esperanza

Dear Comcast

I called you because my OnDemand was not working. A message popped up my screen with your phone number and an error message. After calling you and allowing you to remotely fix my OnDemand I have no cable at all. I am worse off then I was before I called you because now my box and tv look frozen. Even though you told me you would give me a discount on my bill I dont feel any better about your service. Shame on your cable and internet that refuses to consistently work.



Sincerely
Esperanza

Dear JCrew

Dear JCrew,

Thanks for the catalogs you send consistently to my home. I enjoy looking over your subpar clothing line whenever I have nothing better to do. Some of your clothes are actually cute but not many. You should refrain from placing pictures of lobsters on clothes because its tacky. Does the girl modeling the bathing suit really need to have a cashmere hoody on? I dont think anyone will wear cashmere to the beach. When I finally decide I want to spend 32 dollars on a 12 tank top I will actually order from you. Until then I will browse your sell sections for sub par goodies.

Love,

Esperanza